Shadow Running Toward Hope
“I had run from my trauma, and in doing so, I had unknowingly run away from myself. It took some time, but my shadow simply followed me and waited to be seen by me. Not to make me suffer but to heal. The shadow was not my enemy, my resistance to healing was.”
-Excerpt from my book, Remnants: Finding Beauty in the Scars of Our Dark Spaces
Who among us has felt the powerlessness of anguish? That powerlessness to be able to change, take away, or even negotiate what has happened is what makes anguish so traumatic. Anguish can make us crumble and fall to our knees, making it hard to reengage with our lives. Numb, we go through the motions, trying hard to convince ourselves that we are okay, pushing ourselves to perfection, and staying silent by closing ourselves off. In doing so, we lose our vulnerability and all the beauty it offers. We shut ourselves off and skim life’s existence because, at any moment, anything could threaten the fragile skeletal framework that is holding us up.
Some of us are great runners, and I don’t mean the lean 5k glider that puts on the t-shirt, shorts, and running shoes and then hits the running app to keep a record of their excellence. These runners are beautiful in their execution of the run. They feel their breath release in and out as they push themselves further. They feel the air upon their skin, push to new levels, and their thinking is brought into focus as they release pent-up energy of anticipation of the elevated release of endorphins.
Although I have made progress, I am a runner of the other kind: the one that doesn't take hold immediately when anguish arrives and the failure to process breaks down. I push for shutting the doors of receptivity to close until my mind and heart can cope. I seek to feel very little, as I am spent already from the breathlessness of the struggle of the emotions that rage within. My thoughts are sporadic and without focus because I waver in the face of suffering. The release of the pain-blocking endorphins with increased feelings of well-being is placed on hold, creating more exertion on my body. I am the ugly runner. I trip and fall over my shadow lurking behind me constantly, longing simply to be acknowledged.
The thing about anguish is that it stands at the door and doesn’t leave until it has been acknowledged. It teaches us that seeing a thing and feeling it makes it real. We realize that we need hope, like we need air. Hope is cultivated during times of struggle and discomfort. Taking in those anguished moments allows us to move forward instead of suffocating on the alternative, hopelessness. With hope, we can set goals, learn to be flexible, and develop pathways that work, and we also learn to believe in ourselves and the abilities that God gives us.
The act of embracing the shadows that stay so close will give way to healing. We are reminded in Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans that I have for you, saith the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” The word know here signifies God’s complete knowledge of creation; nothing is hidden from Him. Plans mean new ideas for God’s plan are never set in concrete. They are flexible, adjusting to our lives as our circumstances change because He doesn’t just have one plan for your life. He does have one purpose…that you become all you were meant to be through conforming to the image of His son, Jesus. This goal never changes.
His plans are new every day. God is full of surprises. He intends for us to have peace for the future with spectacular hope. So, whatever the type of runner category you fall into, remember this, “press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:14). Why? Because the goal never ends…TO BE MORE LIKE JESUS!
If you enjoyed this reading and haven’t yet checked out my book, I invite you to look at it. I think you will like it—the link is listed below.
Sincerely,
Carol Maynard, Author
Remnants: Finding Beauty in the Scars of Our Dark Spaces
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1959555383
CarolMaynard89@gmail.com